Hell Week - Saturday through Wednesday

Saturday
I am awoken by my alarm at 4:00 AM. The time has come to prove my courage and devotion to the lizard cause. I will run to the nearest pond and through myself into its freezing depths of murky duck droppings. There is nothing I will not suffer for my reward - breakfast at IHOP with two Lizard commanders. My rank is climbing.

As a reward for my loyalty I am given four precious hours off of mischief making. (12-4 PM)

Tonight we move Project Lizard beyond the halls of Bryn Mawr. There will be a mass infiltration of the Shipley Spring Formal. Wearing my CHICAGO costume I proposition the young, male and female alike, to join me in my quest to overthrow the patriarchy. I must collect 5 phone numbers (i.e. 5 more creators of chaos).

Sunday
Plenary. The chance of a lifetime. I will refuse to ratify the constitution and incite my fellow Lizards and other attendees to a mass riot à la Egypt to promote anarchy.

Following the riot I don my ninja costume for one final mission. I hide in the campus center and wait for Public Safety to declare it empty and lock the building for the night. Then I remove all of the chairs and use them to baricade all the entrances. Without access to the post office the world will crumble.

Monday
Work. I talk to the food...and no one else.

French. Another history lesson. I bake/buy a bunch of cupcakes and decorate them with flowers so they appear deceptively innocent. I tell everyone "I will let you eat this cake." In return, they overthrow Claire's monarchy, with encouragement from you, of course. You stop just short of cutting off her head, because you must show your regime to be more merciful than the previous one.

Biology. I explain all of the scientific phenomenon that my professor pretends to understand in terms of magic.

Dorm Olympics. Not only do I participate, but I win. Obviously...dressed as a lizard.

 
Tuesday
French. Every so often (at least 3 times) I stand up on my chair and sing the French National Anthem for no reason.

Bio Lab. I am Dr. Horrible (complete with costume and evil laughter) and I use this 3 hours period to tell everyone about my brilliant plans and inventions to take over the world and impress Bad Horse.

English. I deliver a seminar on why Harry Potter pwns every other book series in existence. If anyone attempts to contradict me I curse them with my pencil wand.

French TA Session. At 4:45 I yell "Vive la Resistance!" and run out of the room. I do not return.

Wednesday
French. I bring the largest baguette I can find to class and eat it, making it last the entire hour, with as many crumbs and crunchy noises as possible. I will not share.

Psychology. To help illustrate what a psycho looks like I deliver the "drinking out of cups" monologue.

French TA Session. I surreptitiously sell my box of Pall Mall Menthol cigarettes. I refuse to stop heckling everyone until every last cigarette has been purchased. Bartering and trade is also accepted.

Reconciliation Dinner. As a congratulatory gesture on your successful week of mayhem you are treated to dinner by the Lizard command group at a restaurant of your choice.

Hell Week - Wednesday through Friday

Wednesday
At sundown, on what seemed like a perfectly ordinary Wednesday, all hell broke lose. I began receiving instructions from a covert organization known to me only as “The Lizards.” My mission: To promote general chaos and mayhem...I could not have been more thrilled!

I had been emailed a list of of hyperlinks addressed only with days of the week and a codeword. Each provided instruction for a disruption on the assigned day.
I was made aware that other students were also under their control - pockets of mayhem bloomed campus wide...
 My first task was set to begin at 6:30 PM.
Like an urban ninja I stalked the halls of Denbigh. My unsuspecting targets: the common room, the TV room, the laundry room, and the bathroom. I took advantage of natural cover such as uninhabited shower and restroom stalls, behind washing machines, and in deep recesses of shadow. If I was discovered I leapt with the speed and silence of wind to my next vantage point. None were aware of my presence - I am a creature of darkness. My adventures were an exercise in stealth designed to prepare me for my premiere assignment - the terrorization of the inhabitant of Merion 113.

The Lizards had arranged for the room to be unoccupied and the door unlocked at 8:30 PM. I hid in the closet, ready to strike upon their return. Mischief managed, I allow myself sleep in preparation for tomorrow’s escapades.

Thursday
French. Operation English Oral. Following Lauren’s example I questioned my French professor on the reason for her illiteracy. Her foreign speech was an afront to the language of the Lizards, and I educated her on the necessities of conforming to the “American” tongue. I would not relent, despite her protestations.

English. Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning. My activation phrase: “Hurricane Katrina.” My assignment: sing.

French TA Session. I had become fed up with this nation of cowards. I prepared a powerpoint presentation on the military history of France: surrender and defeat. I brought white paper, scissors, and tape and instructed the session participants how to cut out a triangular flag and attach it to the top of their writing utensils. With every despicable French word they wrote they were waving the white flag of pussies everywhere. I arranged everyone into pairs: one partner would gesture angrily at the other, who would promptly shout “Je me rends!” and hide behind something. It was a realistic portrayal of the French.

Dinner. Erdman. I have been told to deliver a message to the dining masses.

That night, the unthinkable happened. I and some of my comrades were captured by the opposition. We attempted to disguise ourselves to ensure an innocent verdict. We only partially succeeded. I was granted my release, but was punished the next day as a public example to those who would fight the establishment. I will not forget this.

Friday
Work. Erdman. As I served food I began to notice how woefully unprepared my fellow students were for the coming of the Lizards. I began to quiz them, and only when they had correctly answered a question were they allowed to receive victuals.

 Then every time I saw a vegetable I sang the “Veggietales” theme song...just because I could.
French. Claire will not give up her incessant babbling. To express to her how silly this is, I only speak Italian. It’s a better romance language anyway.

 Biology. I treat everyone to a lecture on how reptilian scales are superior to skin. After class it comes to my attention that I have received a text. I follow its instructions. Then I prepare myself for rehearsal by dressing as sluttily as I possibly can, complete with menthol cigarette. There’s nothing like Method acting for success.

I report to Goodhart Main Stage to sign up for as early a performance slot as I can. I must deliver rousing musical propaganda -

After which I am forced to attend a night time gathering by the opposition designed to counter my work with filthy lies. Following this hellish parody of story time we embark on a physical training endeavor. I cannot fathom how the opposition does not realize this only serves to make their enemies more powerful, but I participate, because Lizards are winners.