At sundown, on what seemed like a perfectly ordinary Wednesday, all hell broke lose. I began receiving instructions from a covert organization known to me only as “The Lizards.” My mission: To promote general chaos and mayhem...I could not have been more thrilled!
I had been emailed a list of of hyperlinks addressed only with days of the week and a codeword. Each provided instruction for a disruption on the assigned day.
I was made aware that other students were also under their control - pockets of mayhem bloomed campus wide...
My first task was set to begin at 6:30 PM.
Like an urban ninja I stalked the halls of Denbigh. My unsuspecting targets: the common room, the TV room, the laundry room, and the bathroom. I took advantage of natural cover such as uninhabited shower and restroom stalls, behind washing machines, and in deep recesses of shadow. If I was discovered I leapt with the speed and silence of wind to my next vantage point. None were aware of my presence - I am a creature of darkness. My adventures were an exercise in stealth designed to prepare me for my premiere assignment - the terrorization of the inhabitant of Merion 113.
The Lizards had arranged for the room to be unoccupied and the door unlocked at 8:30 PM. I hid in the closet, ready to strike upon their return. Mischief managed, I allow myself sleep in preparation for tomorrow’s escapades.
Thursday
French. Operation English Oral. Following Lauren’s example I questioned my French professor on the reason for her illiteracy. Her foreign speech was an afront to the language of the Lizards, and I educated her on the necessities of conforming to the “American” tongue. I would not relent, despite her protestations.
English. Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning. My activation phrase: “Hurricane Katrina.” My assignment: sing.
French TA Session. I had become fed up with this nation of cowards. I prepared a powerpoint presentation on the military history of France: surrender and defeat. I brought white paper, scissors, and tape and instructed the session participants how to cut out a triangular flag and attach it to the top of their writing utensils. With every despicable French word they wrote they were waving the white flag of pussies everywhere. I arranged everyone into pairs: one partner would gesture angrily at the other, who would promptly shout “Je me rends!” and hide behind something. It was a realistic portrayal of the French.
Dinner. Erdman. I have been told to deliver a message to the dining masses.
That night, the unthinkable happened. I and some of my comrades were captured by the opposition. We attempted to disguise ourselves to ensure an innocent verdict. We only partially succeeded. I was granted my release, but was punished the next day as a public example to those who would fight the establishment. I will not forget this.
Friday
Work. Erdman. As I served food I began to notice how woefully unprepared my fellow students were for the coming of the Lizards. I began to quiz them, and only when they had correctly answered a question were they allowed to receive victuals.
French. Claire will not give up her incessant babbling. To express to her how silly this is, I only speak Italian. It’s a better romance language anyway.
I report to Goodhart Main Stage to sign up for as early a performance slot as I can. I must deliver rousing musical propaganda -
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